Archive for August 22nd, 2012

If I’m ever going to develop into the kind of dad who feels comfortable verbally abusing elementary school teachers or hurling whiskey bottles at youth soccer referees, it’s vital I get an early start on letting the world know just how uniquely special and gifted my three-month-old Emily is. You can call it bragging, but I like to think of it as merely being a proud parent. And if Emily’s many accomplishments cause you to realize just how special your child isn’t, well, that’s just your insecurity getting the better of you. Learn to deal with it.

While she was lying in her basinet, I put one of Emily’s toys next to her and she reached over, grabbed, it, and picked it up over her head. Three-month old infants aren’t supposed to have the spatial awareness, manual dexterity, or brute strength necessary to do that sort of thing! What an athlete she’s going to be. Is your three-month old daughter playing with her toys? No? Well don’t panic just yet, I’m sure she’s just a late bloomer. Just don’t be upset if Emily doesn’t pick her for kickball during grade school. It’s nothing personal, I just want my daughter associated with winners.

As part of my goal to expose Emily to the 100 greatest novels ever written before she starts kindergarten (we knocked off 27 while she was in utero!) I recently put her on my lap and read aloud the complete works of Fyodor Dostoyevsky. While she slept through much of “The Brothers Karamazov,” she was really bright eyed and alert for “Crime and Punishment.” I think she really empathized with the protagonist’s ethical dilemma and struggle for moral redemption. She’s so sensitive like that. What’s that you say? You read “Hop on Pop” to your infant? How sweet. Don’t worry, I’m sure Dairy Queen will still be taking applications in eighteen years.

Yesterday we asked Emily “Where’s Maci?” and she looked right at our dog. I don’t know if you know this, but it’s really, really rare for a three-month-old to be able to associate names with faces like that. I was so proud, I tried to get her to do it again for some of our dinner guest, but she wouldn’t. She gets so shy in front of strangers sometimes.

Just the other day I was working on the New York Times Sunday crossword and was struggling with a five letter word for “Yiddish food warmer” when Emily let out a loud “BLECH!!” I’m not sure where a three-month-old baby would pick up an understanding of the Jewish prohibition on cooking on the Sabbath, but that just goes to show how smart she is. What’s that, your son just turned four and he’s still struggling with the crocodile maze at Applebee’s? Don’t worry, I’m told the Army still has a nice little college tuition payment program.

A woman on the street walked up to us this morning and told us Emily looks JUST like the Gerber baby and that she should totally do some modeling! I was all like, “I know!! I say the SAME THING ALL THE TIME.” Then we laughed and laughed and laughed and I gave the woman my business card. My wife didn’t think she had any actual connections to the modeling industry, and was just being nice to our daughter, but I’m sure we’ll hear from her soon. What a great day.

You should see how big and strong Emily’s legs are! I know the doctor said they’re within the normal range, but I suspect he was just trying to limit his legal liability should Emily somehow not become a professional athlete. Do you believe the local youth leagues won’t let her start playing until she’s five? I spent the better part of the weekend researching which parts of the country play soccer in the fall and lacrosse in the spring, so we don’t limit her options. We’ve never really considered moving to Florida before, but there are some really fantastic athletic programs there. What can I say…the things we do to make our kids happy!

In closing,

New parents are the worst.


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