Are you a sports fan? No…no…I know you like sports; that’s evidenced by the fact that you’re wearing a Kobe Bryant jersey despite clearly being in your late 30s. But do you really know sports?
Perhaps we should enlist a quantitative approach to separate the fans from the frauds. If you’re feeling confident, below is a quiz carefully designed to gauge your general sports knowledge. Best of luck.
1. Michael Vick is best known for:
a. leading a marginally talented Atlanta Falcons team to the 2004 NFC Championship game
b. serving prison time for operating a viciously inhumane dog fighting ring
c. becoming the first African-American quarterback to be drafted with the #1 overall pick
d. seeking treatment for a particularly persistent STD under the alias “Ron Mexico”
Answer: d. While a through c were quite notable on their own, none of them gave rise to the 21st century’s greatest invention: the Ron Mexico name generator.
2. Math question: Please show all work. If Tiger Woods wins 72 PGA tour events, 14 Major Championships, and spends 545 weeks as the #1 ranked player in golf while sleeping with 11 different women outside of marriage, what will his divorce settlement cost him?
b. a lifetime supply of Gatorade Performance Series Protein Recovery shakes
c. three green jackets
d. his worldwide reputation
Answer: a. While d. might appear to be the correct answer, his previous rampant infidelity will be forgiven the minute he wins another Major and America heralds him for his “comeback.”
3. The 2011 NBA lockout ended after:
a. 30 days
b. 3 days
c. the lockout ended?
d. 149 days
Answer: c. The NBA is unwatchable.
4. Which of the following statements is false:
a. NY Jets’ cornerback Antonio Cromartie has fathered nine kids with eight different women
b. “Who should I start at wide receiver this week?” has replaced “Why are we here?” as mankind’s leading question for God
c. 2011 NL MVP Ryan Braun is currently serving a 50-game suspension for steroid use
d. While you were taking this quiz, Antonio Cromartie fathered yet another child with yet another woman
Answer: d. but only on a technicality!
5. Tim Tebow is most accurately described as:
a. a devout Christian
b. a lovely young man and solid role model
c. a below-average NFL quarterback
d. all of the above
Answer: d. Kudos to you for understanding that a, b, and c are not mutually exclusive options. You can be both a great person and an awful passer of the football.
Did you score a 20% or better? CONGRATULATIONS! You’re the type of guy or gal Deadspin had in mind when they published A Guide For Sports Fans (And Would-Be Plutocrats) To Doing Your Taxes.
That’s right; Deadspin — the once underground, now-mainstream sports blog that brought the world Ron Mexico, Chris Berman’s preferred pick-up line, and Brett Favre’s alleged text message seduction of Jenn Sterger — has now delved into the world of tax law.
Some highlights include:
Your bookie probably won’t give you a W-2G
For those of you who enjoy sporting events more when you’ve placed hasty wagers on the games, gambling is an important part of your tax return. “What? You mean my hot streak of victories guided by betting against Mark Sanchez that paid for my new 106-inch projector television is related to my taxes?” Yep! And it doesn’t matter if your bookie doesn’t give you a W-2G (don’t bother asking for one); those winnings are taxable.
You can deduct those personal seat license fees Alma Mater is chiseling out of you
What about tickets for your alma mater or favorite college sports team? Well, this is a tricky one, so read carefully. Under Publication 526 for 2011, if you donate money to the school and that donation gives you the right to purchase tickets to an athletic event, you can deduct 80 percent of the donation. If you are simply shelling out money for tickets, then that does not qualify as a charitable contribution.
Violent rec sports can be good for your tax return
Start playing in your hockey rec league again or some other high-collision, injury-rich sport. Medical and dental expenses are deductible but are subject to a 7.5 percent floor of your adjusted gross income. What does that mean? You need to play hard. Really hard.